I Didn't Know She Knew

This is my response to a  prompt from Write on Edge. I have several memories that I could have written about but most I can't put on paper at this time. This is the one I felt I needed to write about for now.

This week we asked you to explore your worst memory.

What was it? How did it affect you? What would you have done differently, if anything? We wanted you to imagine the act of writing it would free you from it.
Some of you have memories too personal to share. We understand, and we are grateful for those who are sharing with us.We are a supportive community here, and I am sure that will continue as we read and comment on your pieces.

She told me she remembered. I didn’t know she knew.

My daughter shared with me about the time she sat outside the bathroom door crying. Me, I was inside in a bathtub full of water. The door locked, the water hot, the steam billowing up, the mirror fogged.

I longed for another place and time. I wasn’t sure where that place and time was but I didn’t want to be there.

I longed to disappear into the air just like the steam. Invisibility would be best for me.

How heartbroken I was the day she told me she knew why I was in that room of despair and defeat.

I admitted that her fear was real. I did not want to go on. I lay in that tub contemplating if I could actually do it. Time lingered on and she said she waited. She knocked. I don’t remember. She asked me if she could come in. I don’t remember. Memory slips during depression. I do remember  why I didn't do it. She and her little brother were my reason for living.

My little girl was frightened she would lose her mommy that day and I was unaware of it. The memory of that day is vague but the memory of her tears as she recalled how scared she was at the time is fresh in my mind and heart. I am sorry for the pain I caused but I am thankful she finally shared it with me just a few years ago. We found opening up, being real and transparent is when healing begins.

My beautiful daughter is now 27 years old, a middle school teacher and in the process of working on her doctorate two nights a week. I am proud of what she has accomplished but I am in awe of who she is becoming. And I know hard experiences like this one helped make her the strong, compassionate woman she is today.

As for me I have found my identity and finally realized God's love for me is real and alive inside my soul. This is the truth that makes me whole. Does depression ever creep up on me sometimes? Yes but I know truth. I take meds. I have friends and family who know where I've been, some have been there too, and they accept me anyway. This keeps me sane.

What Does A Woman Want?

[caption id="attachment_1490" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The women in my family"][/caption]

In thinking about what women really want out of life I guess I can only speak for myself then see if anybody else can relate. This is the second part to an article I wrote entitled What Do Women Want published at Christian Women's Online Network a few weeks ago. That article came from the perspective of many women I have talked to over the years. See if you agree with me on  these 15 points.

1-    I want to grow mentally, spiritually, and creatively every day.

2-    I don’t want to grow old on the outside but I know it’s inevitable. I try to slow it down with hair color, face moisturizer and drinking lots of vitamin water ahh but alas I turned 47 yesterday.

3-    I want to make decisions about my life based on what I want but when there are others involved, decisions have to be made based on how it affects everyone.

4-    I want to continue to live out my God given dreams without the feeling that I can’t finish it. Confidence!

5-    I want a man who will die for me. I have one.

6-    I want my children to be filled with pure joy. I don’t think they are… yet. Praying about that one.

7-    I do not want to be a people pleaser but a God pleaser. Pleasing God is so much easier than pleasing people. He just wants me to be me they want me to be someone I’m not.

8-    I want support from friends and family in the ventures toward my dreams. I do and will continue to support them.

9-    I want respect. You’ll always get it in return from me and usually even if you don’t give it to me.

10-  I need love to survive. Unconditional love. Not a love based on what I do right or wrong, just love no matter what. A love similar to God’s love. His love can’t be earned. He loves me no matter how bad I screw up or how awesome I do something, it never changes.

11-  I want my kids to fulfill their God given dreams. Well first they need to find those dreams, and then follow them. I will help them succeed any way I can.

12-  I want my husband to know real love. My love is real but insufficient for him. I want him to know God’s love fully and completely.

13-  I never want to feel like I just exist. I’ve been there done that and life without purpose is no life at all.

14-  I want to be an encouragement to others. That may present itself in different ways to different people but everyone needs to know they are valued.

15-  I want chocolate. It’s that simple. Give me chocolate and you have a friend.

What do you want? No really. In the comments section tell us one or more things you want even if it’s the same as on my list.

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Out Of Her Comfort Zone

She had lots of friends who weren’t from my crowd. To look at us you’d never believe we were compatible. She smoked in the school bathroom; I was scared to go in there most the time. Her crowd was the cool, tough bunch while mine was the mediocre athletic, nerdy types.

I can’t remember our first words to each other but we clicked and that was the start of a lifelong friendship. Crys introduced me to her brother, a popular tough guy. We went on a double date and another lifelong relationship was made that night. I met the guy of my dreams and married him 2
years later. Thanks for that.

You’d have to know Crys to understand that she’s never really been the emotional kind, not lovey dovey, or huggy. I on the other hand cry at the drop of a hat, love anything sentimental and hug a lot. So you’ll understand when I found the letter why it made me cry all over again thinking
of her.

My dad passed away 11 years ago. It was one of saddest, most unbelievable times of my life. I have written several posts about him and if you’ve read any of them you know he was my hero and I was his princess. Crys doesn’t like to show emotion and she’s not big on funerals so she stayed at my
mom’s house the day of the funeral and cleaned and prepared for visitors. This meant more than she’ll ever know.  We never really took the time to talk about his death because I knew and I think
she knew we’d just end up in a bawling session. That day she did her thing and I did mine, and we hugged good bye when it was all over.

A few weeks later I received a letter in the mail from her. She expressed how sorry she was that I had lost my dad. The letter was about a page long and her words touched me so.  I can’t explain how much it helped me at that time. Crys showed my family love by all the things she had “done” because that’s her way of giving love. The special thing about it is that Crys knew I needed a different kind of love, a letter of love. Even though it took her out of her comfort zone she
went there, she did it for me and I will never forget it. As I write this post now big tears well up in my eyes because I am reminded of this thoughtful loving thing Crys did just for me.

I ran across that letter just the other day and as I read it again the memories flooded back to all the times we’ve been there for each other. I write this to tell Crys “I love you. You are never forgotten. You are my sister. You are beautiful inside and out and I’m thankful to God for putting
you in my life.”

The letter is neatly folded and remains in the box with what I have left of my dad's belongings.

I am thankful to The Red Dress Club  for this prompt.  It is a post that needed to be written a long time ago. Here's the prompt:

You or your character find a forgotten letter or card from someone important in
your life--whether good or bad.  What does it say?  How does it affect you or
your character?  What is done with it?

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