Monday, September 19, 2011

Where Is The Happy Me?


The heavy patchwork quilt made of soft cotton lay against my numb body. The colors of bright pink, light olive green, dark evergreen, mauve, and clean crisp white that once stood out to me now seem drab and dull. Colorless. This covering that once brought comfort gives nothing now.

The chuncky chicken salad sandwich with mayo, salt and pepper on the night stand might have made me hungry once upon a time but now only a Big Mac with special sauce, a large order of greasy fries and a large creamy vanilla shake will do. But it will only do temporarily. It won’t be long and I’ll be searching for the Snickers and M & M’s picking out the brown ones, savoring the red, blue and yellow. Never giving the milk chocolate a chance to melt in my hand but only in my mouth.

I need a hot shower. It just takes too much energy for this task. My body feels like it weighs 1000 pounds. At the rate I’m eating I may just get there before long.  I can hardly hold this head full of rocks up off the pillow. My legs drag as I walk to the bathroom, the only place I can carry myself, and only because I have to.

Everything I see around me is lifeless and gray. HD television offers the same old stuff; that stack of books can’t hold my interest, people irritate me. Conversations consist of me shaking my head, as if I’m listening to the mindless chatter that creeps in one ear and out the other. I spend a lot of time pretending to be the happy me.
 The me with the clean smell of Dove soap from a fresh shower. The me that likes a green salad with tomatoes, oranges, red cranberries and candied pecans. The me that loves conversation with friends and a good cup of fresh brewed Maxwell House coffee.  The me that longs for the feel of the pages of a crisp new book in my hands. The me that laughs out loud at the Cosby Show and Andy Griffith. The me that snuggles under the quilt that belonged to my mother and is warmed by the love of it. Where is that me?
~~~~~~~~

Then I utter the words.

Help. Me. God.

In time the thick dark covering that hides me from the world is lifted.

In time.

And I wonder why I didn't ask sooner.




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18 comments:

Kathleen Basi said...

Wow, Julie, that is powerful stuff. Very powerful.

Lance said...

I love reading desciptions of depression against the descriptions of anxiety I go through because the sensory details are so vivid.

Depression feels slow, weighty, and immovable. Anxiety feels fast, painful, and choking.

This was beautiful and true. Thank you for letting me read it, Julie.

Melanie said...

What a description! I recognized every nuance. Thank you sharing. Why do we wait so long to ask?

Thank you for your comment on my post at Musings & Meanderings.

Corinne said...

Sounds so familiar... for those of us who have been there, I'm sure we're all nodding our heads. Excellent writing!!

Julie Moore said...

Thank you for your kind comments. This is something I can write about with my eyes closed. thankfully it is more under control now than it has been in the past.

Your encouragment keeps me writing.

Flying high in the sky.... said...

heart felt a pain inside .. .guess i was sad... .the me.... made me teary....even i have had phases ....

Galit Breen said...

What a powerful faith you have! This was raw to the core- I feel lucky to have read it.

Patricia Iles said...

Oh. Oh. Very powerful and wrenching. It leaves me speechless. It makes me want to hug you, pat your back and tell you that this, too, will pass.

Such evocative writing. Well done! **sniff**

Trish in AZ

http://writinginareddress.blogspot.com/2011/09/last-day.html

My Inner Chick said...

-----Superbly written. Powerful. Profound. I loved every word. x

Julie Moore said...

Thank you for reading and leaving such kind words.

Heather said...

I so get it. Thank you.

Sharone said...

Oh, I relate. Just those few little words, they're like a little thread out. Thank you for writing this.

Nancy C said...

It's so true; it feels like this when one is depressed. The description of the bag of rocks is especially apt. It all, including the end, rang so true to me.

Matthew Kreider said...

Yes, your post ends exactly how most of our experiences on this side of eternity must end: "Help. Me. God." The surrender is exactly what the Spirit in us longs for, exactly what our Father longs for. Thanks for capturing a moment that points to grace. Well done.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

My heart definitely responded to this. Probably too many of us relate. Excellent descriptions (and moral of the story).

Jack said...

And I wonder why I didn't ask sooner.

I really appreciate a strong ending and this was strong.

lucy said...

I recognize some of me in your writing. There are days that we need God's help. Thank you for sharing this well written piece.

Gail Purath said...

thanks for sharing so honestly. So often we cover up the struggles and that makes us of no help to others.