Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Didn't Know She Knew

This is my response to a  prompt from Write on Edge. I have several memories that I could have written about but most I can't put on paper at this time. This is the one I felt I needed to write about for now.

This week we asked you to explore your worst memory.
What was it? How did it affect you? What would you have done differently, if anything? We wanted you to imagine the act of writing it would free you from it.
Some of you have memories too personal to share. We understand, and we are grateful for those who are sharing with us.We are a supportive community here, and I am sure that will continue as we read and comment on your pieces.

She told me she remembered. I didn’t know she knew.

My daughter shared with me about the time she sat outside the bathroom door crying. Me, I was inside in a bathtub full of water. The door locked, the water hot, the steam billowing up, the mirror fogged.

I longed for another place and time. I wasn’t sure where that place and time was but I didn’t want to be there.

I longed to disappear into the air just like the steam. Invisibility would be best for me.

How heartbroken I was the day she told me she knew why I was in that room of despair and defeat.

I admitted that her fear was real. I did not want to go on. I lay in that tub contemplating if I could actually do it. Time lingered on and she said she waited. She knocked. I don’t remember. She asked me if she could come in. I don’t remember. Memory slips during depression. I do remember  why I didn't do it. She and her little brother were my reason for living.

My little girl was frightened she would lose her mommy that day and I was unaware of it. The memory of that day is vague but the memory of her tears as she recalled how scared she was at the time is fresh in my mind and heart. I am sorry for the pain I caused but I am thankful she finally shared it with me just a few years ago. We found opening up, being real and transparent is when healing begins.

My beautiful daughter is now 27 years old, a middle school teacher and in the process of working on her doctorate two nights a week. I am proud of what she has accomplished but I am in awe of who she is becoming. And I know hard experiences like this one helped make her the strong, compassionate woman she is today.
As for me I have found my identity and finally realized God's love for me is real and alive inside my soul. This is the truth that makes me whole. Does depression ever creep up on me sometimes? Yes but I know truth. I take meds. I have friends and family who know where I've been, some have been there too, and they accept me anyway. This keeps me sane.


Jenna said...

so brave, so raw and powerfully spoken... not just your internal dialogue, but the revelation that your daughter knew, and didn't say anything. I can imagine how I might feel in this situation.

I am in the midst of a ridiculous custody battle and separation/divorce. There will be some memories and scenes of me that my children will have and keep with them. I pray I am able to keep the worst of my depression from them successfully.

Your last paragraph resonated deeply with me. Where I have found my worth, too. *HUG*

Julie Moore said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julie Moore said...

Thank you Jenna for the kind comment. I think there is a whole community of people who might be able to relate at least to depression.

My Pajama Days said...

Oh Julie! Thank you for sharing so much.I have seen what depression can do to a family when it is not dealt with - and you gave your children the biggest gift possible, you. I can't imagine what that moment was like for both you and your daughter but am amazed at how far you have come. Many people's lives are richer because of your support and kindness.

Anastasia said...

I'm glad you stayed and that she has grown up well despite remembering such a bad memory.

Krista said...

This is so utterly beautiful. It made my heart ache, for you and for your daughter. You write it so well that I'm right there will you. It's clear that you and your daughter have a beautiful and deep connection.

julie said...

Thank you Emily for encouraging me to continue to share. You bless me.

Anatasia yes she has grown up into a fine young woman with a bright future.

Krista thanks so much for your sweet comments. it touches me to know someone esle has been moved by something I wrote.

Cheryl said...

How heartbreaking, to know your child was scared because of something you might do. I am glad the two of you have talked about it - and she sounds like an amazing woman. Good job, Mama, and thanks for sharing!

julie said...

Thanks Cheryl. And she is amazing!